At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
