Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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