Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
