my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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