so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't turn off my feet"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
