so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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