peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
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No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.