Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
