I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
