Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
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After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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