??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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