I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
