I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
