you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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