GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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