I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
