I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
