just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
