cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
