So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
