I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
