How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
