people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
