just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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