Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
