I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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