Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
nutella sex= disaster
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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