I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
