so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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