her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
