Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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