I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
