im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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