That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
