I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
