I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
