I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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