i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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