Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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