I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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