you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
