he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
