I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
