CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
