It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
