I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
