You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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