Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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