I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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