If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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