I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
