We need to rekindle our bromance
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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