Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
