so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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