I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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