is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
